The Cry of My Heart
I don't think I'll ever see this view again. And I'm ok with that. Situated at the bottom of this hill, my dad and grandma called the three-story home theirs for the past 6 years. Not anymore. We finished packing up the UHaul tonight and are leaving for Spokane tomorrow morning. And it couldn't come soon enough. It's time for a new start.
I refuse to sugar coat things and pretend like everything in my life is perfectly perfect. Because it's not. Every family has their struggles. Every family has their problems. And mine's no exception. But when I married Adam and moved with him to Florida, the Lord provided a peace between us that I've never experienced before. A peace I get to enjoy every single day.
When I came out to Washington, I knew I'd be challenged. I knew it would be hard. Life here is different than it is at home. There is little peace. There is a lot of struggle and a lot of pain. There's a lot of fear, anger, resentment, and unanswered questions. There are a lot of health issues and medical expenses. And there are a lot of broken hearts that need healing. Regardless, I wanted desperately to help. Because I KNOW that life doesn't have to be this way. That life, no matter how bad it gets, can get better. And so, I came. Knowing, fully, that things would eventually get hectic, things would eventually get personal, and without a shadow of a doubt, I'd eventually break down and cry. So would everyone else.
Well, that's exactly what happened tonight. Things fell apart. And it was not fun. It was not something I ever want to experience again. And I'll do everything within my control to make sure it doesn't. But at some point, we needed to hit rock bottom in order to begin rebuilding relationships that were once founded on unsteady ground. Skeletons had to come out of the closet. And I'm sure that within the next few months, they'll continue to show themselves. It's going to take a lot of effort to piece our family back together. There's a lot to sort through. Without a doubt. I've said that from the very beginning. But if we're all willing - and I'm confident that we are - we'll discover that peace in this family that we haven't experienced in years. The same peace I enjoy with Adam. I pray every night for that.
I ended up on top of a hill overlooking Woodinville High School's football field after the breakdown. When I get upset, when my feelings get hurt, I lack control. It's something I've been working on for a long time. I know now, after years of experience, that when I get charged up, the best thing for me to do is walk. Walk away and chill out before something ridiculous comes out of my mouth. So, I went. I diffused. And I didn't say anything ridiculous. Except to the spider that was crawling up my leg. I had nothing nice to say to him.
After an extremely long day, we're completely beat. Ellie, Sarah, and I have been spending the last 3 nights in Tanya's home. She has extra beds. And we like beds. We like her too. We're tired, drained, and have puffy eyes. Thank you, Tanya, for your hospitality, encouragement, and friendship. We love you!
To my family:
I love you. All.
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