The Way
If I could tell you why things have happened the way they have this season, I could offer some suggestions. But mostly, I've come up short. I've been so preoccupied with pregnant life and mom life and baseball life and logistic life and all the other lifes that come at you during a busy season, that if I'm going to be honest, I've neglected one of the most important: my life as His child.
I love being a mom.
I absolutely, without a doubt, was created to love on babies. MY babies, in particular. And they've so richly blessed me. I am thankful the Lord entrusted Amelia and Ella Mae to me and revel in the kind of love He's given me to love them with.
What I love more than being a mom (and wife) though, is being a child of God. Truly.
And the hard truth that's being revealed to me through this trial is that I'm not actually living in a way presently, that depicts that truth.
When I think about my own babies - my children - I recognize quite immediately, the complete dependence they have on me. They depend on me for everything. Literally everything. And as a child of the Lord, it should be no different. My dependence on the One who sustains my life should look just the same. But in fact, it doesn't. I am dependent on me. And He's pruning that sin from my life's tree.
Right now, it's hard.
I've been able to recognize the white knuckled squeeze I have on baseball and how much I depend on the lifestyle. I've become so used to what I know that I've come to take for granted the One who gave it to me in the first place. And honestly, it's hard relenting the desire to have control of my life. But that's what He asks. That's what faith is.
And so yesterday, as my tree is being pruned and sin is being revealed, I mostly reluctantly boarded a plane to my least favorite (and that's saying it nicely) city I've ever been to. With two babies. Alone. Four bags, two strollers, two car seats. With sweat dripping down my back and Amelia snot on my sleeves. All because this is where the Lord has us right now and I've chosen to have faith in a plan that I can't understand right now, but one that's ultimately better than the one I had planned for myself in the first place.
I'm choosing dependence. Like a child. Complete.. Because the Lord's direction for my life is what I desire. His will. Not mine. And I pray every day that when I say that, He would help me have a heart that actually means it.
And a more perfect gift couldn't have been given to remind me of my mind's desire but my heart's resistance.
We finally got to see Daddy yesterday.
It was a sweet Mother's Day gift just to be able to hang my arms around the neck of the man who made me a mother. And sweeter than even that, was the incredibly thoughtful gift he gave to me - one that brought me straight to tears - all the way from an antique shop in Reno.
A compass.
A compass' sole purpose is to tell you the direction you're heading. And anyone using a compass is dependent completely on that truth. Adam gifted me this compass to remind me of my dependence on the Director of my life and to trust completely that His ways are better than mine. We're on an adventure. One that's taken us to an uncomfortable place where flying termites dive bomb onto your newborn's face and where extended stays are called home. And though we don't, God knows the way.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9
No comments:
Post a Comment