The Tenth Start
If I may be candid for just a moment.
Like, a real person with real feelings:
Baseball sucks sometimes.
And it really gets to me.
Over the years, I've gotten better and better at seeing baseball for what it is: our ministry. That's it. It's where God's uniquely placed us to build his Kingdom in our pursuit of glorifying him and becoming more like his Son. We desire being God's hands and feet wherever He has us and feel blessed that He's trusted us with all we've been given. But this lifestyle is really really hard. Sometimes I'm better at it than others. Yesterday, I sucked.
It's a struggle for me to sit on the sidelines every single game and surrender all control. It's a struggle watching Adam struggle. It's a struggle being so far away from him and not knowing how he's feeling in the moment. Not hugging him tight and telling him how incredible I think he is. It's a struggle watching things unfold on tv, knowing infinitely more information than the average person but not being able to talk to anyone about it. It's a struggle that every single pitch means something to me, but doesn't mean something to anyone else. And that people so easily treat my husband like a piece of poop on the bottom of their shoe when he doesn't perform to their standards (word to the young spouse of any professional athlete: don't view Twitter when you're not emotionally stable). You'll cry.
It's easy to let baseball get to you. Especially when you're so involved.
I've learned that the hard way.
But so far this season, I've handled the adversity well. I've not let it get to me that closely. Praise God. Yesterday was different though. It totally got to me. And it made me feel more alone than I should ever have felt. Then again, baseball is lonely. It's a sport that requires far more sacrifice (at least time-wise) than any other sport I can think of. Or even most jobs in general. I do love it dearly - don't get me wrong - but it's easy to feel alone and isolated in this lifestyle. Non-relatable. Misunderstood.
I took this dumb picture at the very beginning of the game. It's just a photo of the lineup and nothing more interesting. But after sitting through 5 innings of emotional wreckage, it's all I had to show for yesterday. Because after the first hitter, there was no part of me that even wanted to talk to anyone, let alone whip out my camera and snap any more pictures.
I was over it. I even had to walk out of the room twice. I needed Chapstick anyways, but it gave me a good reason to leave. At least I didn't cuss? I was so upset.
Anyways, all that to say that yesterday was really hard on me. This lifestyle - although a blessing in SO MANY ways - is also met with a lot of intricacies that make it very lonely, impossibly competitive, and filled with more unknowns than is "fair." But let's not get into what's "fair" in life because if I'm being completely real, the only thing fair about this life is the awaiting punishment for our sin. Praise God for Jesus. Praise God for Jesus. Perspective, Kendall. Perspective.
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By the way, ADAM IS FINE.
He's working through some things and is close to figuring "it" out. And actually, after talking to him last night, the game and his innings apparently weren't even as bad as I - and everyone else - made them out to be. So there's that.
His line:
4.1 IP, 8H, 2ER, 1BB, 3K, a No-Decision, and 3 HBP (hit by pitch - meaning, he hit three different people with the ball). He's still 3-3 with a 4.15 ERA.
He'll throw Wednesday in Miami against Pittsburg.
I take it back. I took ONE cute picture of my girl after Dada came out of the game. That laugh makes even a sad Mama smile.
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